Trying to agree first

Most separated parents never go to court. They agree arrangements between themselves, with or without help. A written agreement you both own is often more durable than an order imposed on you both.

A parenting planParenting plan. A written, non-binding agreement between parents about arrangements for their child.

A parenting plan is a written agreement about how you will both care for your child: where they live, when they spend time with each parent, handovers, holidays, school, health and how you will communicate. It isn't legally binding, but it gives everyone something clear to refer to. CafcassCafcass. The Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service, which advises the family court on children's welfare in England. Cafcass Cymru does the same in Wales. provides free templates through its Planning Together resources.^[6]

If you can agree a plan, even a basic one, write it down, both sign and date it, and keep a copy.

The MIAMMIAM. Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting. A meeting to find out whether mediation or another way of resolving a dispute could help. It is usually required before certain family court applications, unless an…

Before applying for a child arrangements orderChild arrangements order. An order deciding who a child lives with and who they spend time with, and when., you must normally attend a Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting (MIAM), unless an exemption applies. It's a short meeting with an accredited family mediator. You attend separately from the other parent. The mediator explains mediation and other ways of resolving disputes, and assesses whether they're suitable for your situation.^[7]

You aren't agreeing to anything by attending. If mediation isn't suitable or doesn't go ahead, the mediator confirms your attendance on the C100C100. The application form for a child arrangements, prohibited steps or specific issue order, or to vary one. form.

When a MIAM is not required

There are exemptions, including evidence of domestic abuse, child protection concerns, genuine urgency, recent attendance at a MIAM or other dispute resolution, and some practical reasons such as a mediator not being available within a reasonable distance. Where evidence is required, it must be filed with the application.^[7]

Don't claim an exemption you can't support. The court can check, and it can pause your case and direct you to attend.

Mediation itself

If mediation goes ahead, a neutral mediator helps you both work towards arrangements. They don't take sides, make decisions or report to the court on what was said. Mediation is usually quicker, cheaper and less adversarial than court.

The Family Mediation Voucher Scheme can contribute up to £500 towards mediation costs in eligible children cases. Legal aid for mediation is available if you meet the financial criteria, and if one parent is eligible, the MIAM for both is usually free.^[8]

Making mediation work

• Know what you're proposing. Go in with specific days, times, handovers and holidays, and a short reason for each that's about your child. Write it down and take it with you, so you don't lose track when it gets tense.
• Lead with your child, not grievances. "Friday after school gives Sam a full weekend and keeps his Sunday club" is persuasive. "I deserve more time" isn't.
• Listen as much as you speak. The other parent may mention a practical worry, like who does the driving or how tired your child is on Sunday nights. That's often something you can solve, and solving it builds trust.
• Compromise on detail, hold steady on principle. You may not get every Saturday. Regular, predictable time is what's worth holding on to.
• Leave the relationship out of it. The moment you start going over the past, the session tends to stall. If it starts to go that way, bring it back to the children.

If you agree

Write the agreement down clearly. It can stay as a parenting plan, or, if you want it to be legally binding, you can ask the court to approve it as a consent orderConsent order. An order the court makes approving an agreement, for example about child arrangements or finances after divorce.. A solicitor can help you draft one so it says exactly what you both mean.

If mediation does not work

You still have a full right to apply to court. The court may notice who engaged in good faith and who didn't, and it has its own duty to consider non-court options at every stage. If the other parent refuses to take part, note it factually in your record.