Guides / Family court
Chapter 2 · 4 min read
The mistakes that make it harder
In short
- 1Point scoring and going quiet both hide your parenting.
- 2Never use your child as a messenger, a witness or a source of information.
- 3Keep maintenance, money and the past relationship separate from arrangements for your child.
- 4Put anything agreed in writing, and reply calmly or not at all.
Nobody sets out to damage their own case. Most mistakes come from fear, or from trying to protect your child. Some come from anger. Whatever the reason, the court will look at what you did and how it affected your child. Knowing the reactions that tend to backfire gives you a chance to choose differently.
Point scoring
If time together has slipped, describe what changed and suggest a date or routine that would work for your child.
“You have stopped me seeing the kids for three weeks, and you were the one who walked out.”
I'd like to get back to seeing the children on Wednesdays and every other weekend. Could we agree a date to restart this week?
Going quiet
The opposite reaction, from the same place. Each step feels painful, so you stop replying, stop going to appointments or let contact lapse. It's usually exhaustion, not lack of interest, but silence can be read as not caring.
If you're overwhelmed, say so in writing and ask for what you can manage: more notice, written questions, a different handover.
I want to sort out arrangements for the children, but I'm finding calls hard at the moment. Could we keep things to messages for now? I'll always reply within a day.
Replying while upset
Writing a calmer reply Communicating with the other parent in Parenting Apart.
Write the angry version if you need to, but don't send it. Leave it at least an hour, then write a short, calm version from scratch. The first draft was for you. The second is for the judge who may one day read it.
“(11.40pm) So I'm not allowed to see my own son now? Unbelievable. See you in court.”
(next morning) I was sorry Saturday didn't go ahead. Could he come to me next Saturday instead, 10am to 5pm? Please let me know by Thursday.
Keeping everything verbal
After any call or handover chat that decides something, send a short message confirming what you understood.
“agreeing on the phone that you will have the children for a week at Easter, and leaving it there”
Thanks for talking earlier. Just to confirm, I'll have the children from Monday 6 April to Friday 10 April, collecting from school at 3pm. Let me know if I've got anything wrong.
Turning up to have it out
Going to the other parent's home outside the arrangements, or arguing at handover, almost always makes things worse. Even if you stay calm, their account of what happened may be different from yours, and your child may see it.
If contact doesn't happen, write down what happened and respond in writing.
“driving round when the children aren't at the handover, and knocking on the door until someone answers”
noting the time, going home, and sending: I was at school at 3pm as agreed and the children weren't there. Is everything OK? Could we rearrange for tomorrow?
Using your child
Asking your child what happens at the other home, what the other parent says about you, or who they want to live with puts them in an impossible position. So does asking them to pass on messages. Children shouldn't carry adult conflict. It also shows quickly when CafcassCafcass. The Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service, which advises the family court on children's welfare in England. Cafcass Cymru does the same in Wales. speaks to them, and it damages their trust in you.
“Did your mum say why you couldn't come at the weekend? Tell her I need to talk to her.”
I really missed you at the weekend. What shall we do next time you're here?
Linking money and time
Keep maintenance and arrangements for time together separate. How maintenance works Money and maintenance in Parenting Apart.
“No time with the kids, no money. Simple.”
I'll keep paying maintenance as normal. Separately, I'd like us to agree when I'll next see the children.
Letting it take over
Over months, the case can take over every evening and every thought. You check your phone constantly, reread old messages and stop seeing friends. When that happens it gets harder to stay steady, for your child and for yourself.
Protecting some ordinary life isn't avoidance. It keeps you well enough to do this properly.
“rereading old messages at 2am, looking for something you have missed”
half an hour after tea to update your record and reply to anything that needs it, then put it away until tomorrow.
Focus on what you can control
You can't control how the other parent behaves, what Cafcass writes or what the judge decides. You can control how you communicate, whether you turn up, how well you prepare and how you treat your child. A social worker once said this to me, and it stuck:
Handling pressure while social care is involved The mistakes that make it harder in Beyond the Referral.