Guides / Social services
Chapter 10 · 3 min read
Your children through this
In short
- 1Keep routines going and keep adult worries away from your children.
- 2Keep explanations short and honest, and never question or coach them.
- 3Make time together count, and get help if changes carry on.
While the adults are dealing with assessments and meetings, your children are living through it too. They may know more than you think, or much less. Either way, what they need most from you is calm, routine and the sense that they're not in trouble.
What children might be feeling
Children react in different ways. Some go quiet. Some act up. Some worry it's their fault, especially if they said something to a teacher or the social worker. Younger children may become clingy or go backwards with sleep, toileting or tantrums. Older children may be angry, embarrassed or protective of one parent.
None of this means you're failing. It means something big is happening around them.
What helps
- Keep routines going. Same bedtime, same school run, same Saturday football if you can. Routine tells a child things are still OK.
- Keep adult stuff adult. Keep paperwork, phone calls and conversations about the case away from them, including on speaker phone and in the car.
- Don't run down the other parent. Even if you're hurting. Your child loves both of you, and hearing one parent criticised puts them in the middle.
- Let them lead. If they want to talk, listen. If they don't, don't push.
- Tell school. A quiet word with the safeguarding lead or class teacher means someone is keeping an eye out. Share only what they need to know.
If they ask what's going on
Keep it short, honest and right for their age. You don't need to explain the process or what's been alleged.
Some grown-ups are helping our family at the moment, to make sure everyone's OK. It's not your fault, and it's not your job to fix. You can ask me anything, and you can talk to the social worker too.
For an older child:
You probably know some people have been worried about things at home. A social worker is looking at how we can make things better. You're not in trouble. If you want to talk about it, I'm here, and if you would rather talk to someone else, that's OK too.
When they're seen by the social worker
The social worker will usually want to speak to your child, sometimes on their own.[1] That's normal and it's part of the job. Tell your child it's fine to be honest and they won't be in trouble for anything they say.
Don't prepare them, rehearse answers or ask what they said afterwards. Even gentle questions can feel like pressure, and they can be seen as coaching.
“What did the social worker ask you? What did you say about me?”
Thanks for chatting with her. Fancy a hot chocolate?
If they tell you something worrying
Stay calm, listen and don't ask leading questions. Let them know you're glad they told you. Afterwards, write down their words as closely as you can, with the date and time. If they may be at risk, tell the social worker straight away. If they're in immediate danger, call 999.
Time with you
If contact has been reduced or is supervised, make the time you do have count. Turn up on time, put your phone away and keep it about them. A contact centre can feel awkward, but bring a game, a book or something you can do together.
If contact has stopped for now, ask whether you can send cards or letters, and how. Keep a box of things to share with them later: drawings, notes, photos of things you would like to show them.
When to get extra help
If changes in sleep, eating, behaviour or school carry on, or something worries you, talk to the school, your GP or the social worker. Support for children is often available, and asking for it's good parenting.