Guides / Social services
Chapter 15 · 2 min read
Looking after yourself
In short
- 1Looking after yourself is part of looking after your child.
- 2Sleep, food, movement and time off from the case all matter.
- 3Talk to someone, and get help straight away if you're in crisis.
Most of this guide is about your child and the process. This chapter is about you. If you run yourself into the ground, it gets harder to stay calm, think clearly and be the dad your child needs. Looking after yourself isn't selfish. It's part of the job.
What stress can look like
Long-running stress shows up in all sorts of ways. You might not sleep, or sleep too much. You might snap at people, drink more, stop eating properly, or feel numb. Some dads replay meetings for hours, check their phone constantly or can't concentrate at work.
These are normal reactions to something hard. They're also signs you need to take some of the weight off.
The basics matter
Give yourself a clear stopping point for reading reports or checking messages. Day-to-day ways to look after yourself Practical self-care in Parenting Apart.
After 9pm, the case is closed for the day.
Talk to someone
A lot of men keep it all in. It doesn't work for long. Find at least one person you can be honest with: a mate, a family member, a peer group or a counsellor.
Peer support groups for dads can help, because the people there understand without you having to explain. Your GP can also refer you for talking therapies, or you can often refer yourself to your local NHS talking therapies service.
I'm going through something with social services and my kids, and it's getting on top of me. I don't need you to fix it. I just need to talk it through.
Work
You may need time off for meetings, or a bit of flexibility. You don't have to tell your employer everything. Something like "I'm dealing with a family matter that needs some meetings over the next few months" is usually enough. If your employer has an employee assistance programme, it may offer free, confidential counselling.
When it's more than stress
If you're having thoughts of ending your life, or of harming yourself or anyone else, get help now. Call NHS 111 and choose the mental health option, or call Samaritans on 116 123. Both are free and open any time. Call 999 or go to A&E if you might act on those thoughts. You can also ask your GP for an urgent appointment.
Feeling this way doesn't make you a bad father, and it won't automatically count against you. Getting help is what a protective parent does.
Small wins
Some weeks, getting through is the achievement. Notice the things you're doing right: you turned up, you kept your cool, you made your kid laugh. Write one down each day if it helps. On the bad days, you will have proof that you're doing better than you feel.