Guides / Parenting apart

Chapter 5 · 5 min read

Communicating with the other parent

In short

1Pick one channel for anything about the children, and don't block it.
2Keep messages brief, informative, friendly and firm, and don't justify, argue, defend or explain.
3Write every message as if a judge might read it.

How you communicate with the other parent will shape the next few years more than almost anything else. You don't need to be friends. You need to be clear, consistent and calm.

Pick one channel

Most parents use WhatsApp, text or email. Any of them can work. What matters is that you both use the same one for anything about the children, so nothing gets lost and there's one record.

Channel	Good for	Watch out for
WhatsApp	Quick, everyday arrangements. Easy to export the whole chat with dates and times.	It's easy to fire off a reply. Turn off read receipts if they add pressure.
Text message	Short practical updates, like running ten minutes late.	Harder to save and search, and long messages get messy.
Email	Anything that needs detail, like holiday dates or school decisions.	Slower, so not for same-day changes.
A co-parenting app	Keeping messages, calendars and costs in one place, with a record that's hard to dispute.	Some charge a fee, and you both have to use it.

Co-parenting apps include OurFamilyWizard, AppClose and TalkingParents. Sometimes a court orders parents to use one. If yours has, use it for everything the order covers, and nothing else.

Whichever you choose, don't block the other parent, however hard the messages get. On some apps, blocking can hide or delete the conversation, and you will miss anything sent about the children. Mute the chat if you need a break.

Cafcass points out that texts and messages are easily misread, especially on tricky subjects.^[15] For something difficult, and where it's safe, it can work better to ask to talk, agree a time and keep to an agenda. Then confirm what you agreed in writing.

Otherwise, keep phone calls for real emergencies.

Keep it brief, informative, friendly and firm

A well-known approach for difficult exchanges is the BIFF response, developed by Bill Eddy of the High Conflict Institute:

Brief: a few sentences, not paragraphs.
Informative: facts and proposals, not opinions about the other parent.
Friendly: a polite opening and close, even if you don't feel friendly.
Firm: a clear answer or proposal, so the exchange can end.

If a message criticises you and asks a question, answer the question and leave the criticism.

Instead of

“That's rubbish and you know it. You're the one who's always late. Fine, I'll have him Friday but this is the last time”

Try

Thanks for letting me know. I can have Leo from 5pm on Friday instead of Saturday. I'll drop him back at 6pm on Sunday as usual.

Don't justify, argue, defend or explain

BIFF is how to write. JADE is a reminder of what to leave out. It stands for Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain, and the advice is: don't.

When a message criticises you, the pull is to justify what you did, argue the point, defend yourself and explain it all again. Each one gives the other parent something new to reply to, and the exchange grows.

You can give a reason once, briefly. After that, repeat your answer and stop.

Instead of

“I can't swap because I've got work, and you changed things twice last month, and I'm not being difficult, I've always been flexible with you”

Try

I can't swap this weekend. I could do the 14th instead.

Set response times

You don't have to reply straight away. A message that arrives at 11pm can wait until morning. Decide when you will check and respond, for example once each evening, and say so if it helps.

Try saying

I check messages about the children each evening and will reply then. If something is urgent, please call.

Keep it about the children

Parenting messages aren't the place to settle what went wrong between you. If the other parent brings it up, you don't have to answer that part. If you feel you must say something, bring it back to the arrangement.

Try saying

I'd rather keep these messages to arrangements for the children. On Saturday, I'll collect at 10am as planned.

Messages don't have to be only about problems. Cafcass suggests keeping each other up to date, sharing your child's happy moments and successes, and acknowledging what the other parent does for them.^[15] A photo from sports day or "she got her spelling certificate today" builds a bit of goodwill for the harder conversations.

Don't wait to be told things either. Ask how school is going, or what's coming up.

And never ask your child to pass on a message. That's your job, not theirs.^[15]

Make it easy to agree

Good communication runs both ways. When the other parent makes a fair point about your child, say so. "That's a fair point about bedtime, I'll keep it to 7.30 at mine too" costs nothing and often lowers the temperature.

Where you can, offer a choice, not a demand: "Would Friday or Sunday work better for the swap?" People are more likely to agree to something they helped choose.

Write as if someone else will read it

If there's ever a court case, your messages may end up in front of a judge or a Cafcass officer. Write every message as though they will read it. It's good discipline even if they never do.

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