Guides / Parenting apart
Chapter 7 · 3 min read
What your children need
In short
- 1Children need reassurance, stability and freedom from adult conflict.
- 2Keep explanations short, honest and free of blame.
- 3Never ask your children to choose, carry messages or report back.
Separation changes your children's world. What helps them most isn't a perfect separation but parents who keep conflict away from them, keep their lives predictable and keep loving them openly. The family courts call this your child's welfare, and whether or not you ever go near a court, it rests on the same things: their physical and emotional needs, the effect change has on them, and how well each parent can meet what they actually need.[12]
How separation can affect children
Children react differently depending on their age, personality and what they have seen. CafcassCafcass. The Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service, which advises the family court on children's welfare in England. Cafcass Cymru does the same in Wales., which represents children's interests in the family courts, hears directly from children that they often feel somehow responsible for the separation, caught in the middle of the tension, powerless, lonely or ashamed, and that they grieve for what has been lost, even when nobody has died.[13]
You may also see it in how they behave: sadness, anger or worry, being clingy or withdrawn, and changes in sleep, eating or schoolwork. Younger children may go back a stage for a while, with bedwetting or tantrums.
Most of these ease with time when children feel secure. If they persist or worsen, talk to your GP, the school or a counsellor.
What children need from you
Children don't need much to feel safe. It comes down to three things.
- To know they're loved. The separation isn't their fault, and they're free to love both of you.
- To know what happens next. The same routines for meals, bedtime and school, and handovers they can predict.
- To be kept out of it. No arguments in front of them, no messages through them and no questions about the other home.
Everything else follows from those: honest answers at their level, space to talk when they're ready, and a dad who is looking after himself.
This isn't a guess at what might help. It's what Cafcass hears directly from children of separated parents themselves: that they need to be told plainly they aren't to blame, that they need permission to love both parents without feeling disloyal, and that hearing you criticise their other parent, especially where they can hear it, is one of the most distressing parts of the whole experience.[13]
Talking to your children
When they ask questions, keep your answers short, honest and free of blame.
Mum and I've decided we can't live together any more. That's a grown-up decision, and it's not because of anything you did. We both love you and that will never change.
If they ask why, you can say: "That's between Mum and me. What matters is that you're looked after by both of us."
If they repeat something negative the other parent has said about you, resist the urge to correct it with criticism of your own:
I'm sorry you heard that. Grown-ups sometimes say things when they're upset. I love you, and I'm always here.
Let them know this isn't a one-off conversation. They can come back to you with more questions as they think of them, and they don't have to work everything out the first time you talk.[14] If they would rather talk to someone outside the family, Childline is free and confidential on 0800 1111.
Never ask them to choose
Don't ask your children where they want to live, which parent they prefer or what happens at the other house. Even indirect questions put them in an impossible position. If there's a court case, Cafcass will hear their views in an appropriate way.