New partners and blended families

At some point, you or the other parent may start a new relationship. Done carefully, a new partner can add warmth and stability to a child's life. Done in a rush, it can unsettle children and stir up conflict.

You may be ready for someone new long before your children are. That's normal. Go at their pace, not yours.^[16]

Introducing a new partner

There's no perfect script, but the order matters: be sure first, tell the adults, then the children, then keep the first meeting small.

Wait until it's serious. Children can get attached quickly, and if a partner comes and goes, that's another loss for them. Early in a separation they may also still be hoping their parents will get back together.

Be confident they're safe around your children. That's part of your job as their dad, however well you think you know someone.^[16]

Tell the other parent, then the children. Tell the other parent first, briefly and politely, so they don't hear it from the children. Then tell the children yourself, in simple, honest words that fit their age. Make it clear that nothing changes about your time with them.

Start small. A short first meeting, an hour or so, somewhere neutral like a park or a café. Not a holiday or a sleepover. Build up slowly from there.^[16]

A message to the other parent can be this short:

How your children might feel

Children can feel pushed out, worried they will lose you, or loyal to their other parent. Some become clingy or jealous, or are rude to your partner. That's normal, and it usually settles with time.

Listen without getting defensive, and reassure them you're not going anywhere. Keep your one-to-one time with them, especially early on, so they don't feel replaced.^[16]

Roles in the household

Your partner's role is to be a kind, reliable adult. It isn't to replace the other parent, or to take over discipline.

You stay in charge of discipline and the big conversations. Early on, don't leave your partner looking after the children on their own. As trust grows, roles can develop naturally.

Moving in together

Moving in is a big step for children, so give them plenty of notice and a say in what they can.

Before you do, agree with your partner what their role will be with your children, and what the house rules are, especially if they have children too. Make sure your children still have their own space in your home.

Check the practical side as well. The move should still let them keep a good relationship with their other parent, including travel time and school.^[16]

When the other parent has a new partner

This can be hard, especially if you're still grieving. Your children may like the new partner, and that can sting. Remember that another caring adult in their life is usually good for them.

Don't criticise the other parent's new partner, or question your children about them. If your child talks about them, be warm about it.

If you have a genuine concern about how a new partner is behaving towards your children, write down what you have seen or been told, and take advice. Don't raise it in an argument.

Blended families

When households combine, children may be adjusting to step-parents, step-siblings and new routines all at once. Blended families often take years to settle, not months, so be patient with everyone, yourself included.

Two things help most. Keep regular time alone with your own children, and have clear house rules that apply to all the children fairly.

Avoid comparing your home with the other one. And ask everyone how it's going from time to time, then listen to the answer.