Guides / Parenting apart
Chapter 9 · 3 min read
Co-parenting, parallel parenting and the space between
In short
- 1Parallel parentingParallel parenting. An approach where each parent runs their own home, with brief written communication focused on the children. is a legitimate, child-focused choice when cooperation leads to conflict.
- 2Cooperate where it helps your child and stays calm. Go parallel where it doesn't.
- 3A detailed written plan reduces what there is to argue about.
Parents who live apart broadly have two approaches open to them, with plenty of middle ground.
Co-parenting
Co-parenting means working together closely. Parents talk regularly, agree shared rules and routines, make decisions jointly and may attend events together. When it works, children benefit from consistency and from seeing their parents cooperate.
It needs a reasonable level of trust, similar parenting values and the ability to disagree without it turning into a row. Many parents can't manage that soon after separation, and some never can. That isn't a failure.
Parallel parentingParallel parenting. An approach where each parent runs their own home, with brief written communication focused on the children.
Parallel parenting is designed for situations where close cooperation leads to conflict.
Each parent runs their own home in their own way, within the basic safety and welfare of the children. You communicate mainly in writing, briefly, and only about the children. Handovers happen at school, nursery or a neutral place, so you rarely need to meet.
It rests on two things: a clear, detailed written plan, so there's little left to negotiate, and accepting that the other home will do some things differently.
The aim is to take the children out of the line of fire. Less contact between parents means fewer opportunities for conflict, and fewer arguments for the children to see.
Comparing the two
| Area | Co-parenting | Parallel parenting |
|---|---|---|
| Communication | Frequent, often by phone or in person | Brief, written, about the children only |
| Rules and routines | Agreed between homes | Each home sets its own |
| Decisions | Made together | Major decisions agreed in writing. Day-to-day decisions made by whoever has the children |
| Handovers | Often at either home | At school, nursery or a neutral place |
| Events | May attend together | Take turns, or attend separately |
| Flexibility | Agreed informally | Changes agreed in writing, with notice |
| Best suited to | Low conflict, good trust | High conflict, low trust, early separation |
The space between: cooperating when it works
Most families don't sit neatly in one box. You might run parallel homes day to day but still cooperate on a birthday party, a school issue or a child's illness. You might start with strict parallel parenting and loosen it as things calm down. Or you might need to tighten it again after a difficult patch.
Two approaches, and the space between
Co-parenting
You talk often, agree shared rules and make decisions together.
Suits low conflict and good trust.
The space between
Separate homes day to day, cooperating on what matters most, like a birthday, a school issue or an illness.
Where most families sit.
Parallel parenting
Brief, written contact about the children only. Each home sets its own rules.
Suits high conflict, low trust or early separation.
You can move along the line in either direction as things change.
A useful way to think about it: cooperate on the things that matter most to your child and that you can do without conflict, and go parallel on the things that keep causing rows.
Review it every few months. As trust grows, you may be able to do more together.
Cooperation should be offered, not forced. If a joint birthday party is likely to end in an argument, two smaller celebrations are better for your child.
Making a parenting planParenting plan. A written, non-binding agreement between parents about arrangements for their child.
A written parenting plan is the backbone of parallel parenting. It should cover where the children live and when they're with each parent, handovers, holidays and special days, how big decisions about school and health are made, and how you will communicate and deal with changes.
CafcassCafcass. The Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service, which advises the family court on children's welfare in England. Cafcass Cymru does the same in Wales. provides a free template through its Planning Together resources.[9] What to include Parenting plan outline.
When you can’t agree arrangements Trying to agree first in Family Court Roadmap.
When parallel parenting is not enough
Where there has been domestic abuse, even limited direct contact may not be safe. Handovers may need to happen at a child contact centreChild contact centre. A safe, neutral place for children to spend time with a parent or for handovers to take place., or through a trusted third party, and communication may need to go through solicitors. If you're in that position, take advice and follow any court orders exactly.